Zoe's Pro-Life Blog
12/9/22
“Should I take the alley today?” Sarah looked at Tom questioningly, knowing he often chose that post on an abortion morning. In the pause before he answered, I felt the tiniest little inward nudge to take that spot. Sarah turned and looked at me. “Do you want to be down there?” I asked her. “It doesn’t matter to me.” she smiled. “Okay, I’ll take the alley.” I decided, and we each headed to our post to begin a morning of sidewalk counseling.
It felt like a normal abortion day, I felt how I normally do. How do I normally feel? The current ‘normal’ for me is some sort of combination of compassion, sadness, heartbreak, disgust, love, disappointment, resignation, faith, discouragement and hope. I’m not trying to say that I’m in the right place. In fact I’m sure there are some things that shouldn’t be on my list, and probably others that should. The honest truth is that it is SO HARD for me to be expectant of all the good God is doing and is going to do, when week after week I watch mom after mom walk into the abortion mill to kill their child. How long it has been since one walked back out and told us she couldn’t do it! How deeply I long to see and hear that! How much my human heart longs for tangible results that say what I’m doing is worthwhile, that it’s making a difference. I’m reminded of Isaiah 55:8-9 ‘”My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts are higher than your thoughts.”’ The bottom line is that I’m not there to ‘see results’ or ‘make a difference’. I’m there because that’s where God wants me and I’ve said yes to being used by Him. That means I need to be completely surrendered to His ways, and at peace with trusting Him. Definitely still working on it.
On this particular morning my ‘yes’ posted me in a cold alley, walking back and forth, trying to pray, watching and waiting for abortion-minded moms, and being bombarded by degrading sexualized music. One young mom had already gone in, outwardly ignoring my offers of help and pleas on behalf of her baby. That’s when I noticed, during my pacing, a small pile of feathers in the snow next to the dumpster. When I got closer I could see that it was a baby bird, feathers fluffed up, completely still except for the shaking of it’s entire little body. I was unsure of where it had come from, or why it was sitting there, so I kept walking for a couple minutes. I could see that it hadn’t moved the whole time I’d been watching it, other than the shaking. Instantly I felt more alert, more alive, as I picked up the little unresisting bird and cradled it in my mittened hands. I’ve always been like this, seeing any animal, (or even insect) in need makes me want to rescue, protect, nurture, or nurse it back to life. Feeling the little heartbeat inside my cupped hands, and against my stomach where I held it, did something in my heart. It reminded me that God sees me, that He knows me so intimately, that He made me this way on purpose, and that He loves me so perfectly. Because of how He knows me and how He loves me, He orchestrated this moment, just for me. Holding the baby bird that I later determined was about a 2 week old pigeon, I no longer noticed the music. I felt closer to God and better able to pray. I was able in those hours to be more fully who He made me to be. I held the baby pigeon for the rest of the morning – about three hours. The bird napped, woke up and looked at me, napped again, and gradually got more aware and lively seeming. The whole time it never struggled, never seemed to want to leave my hands, staying cuddled against me, sleeping and waking and recovering. While I held it, I had another mom arrive for her appointment, and the first one who had come earlier left with the pill. I was relieved to find that I wasn’t hindered in my counseling and pleading for life, and the little bird seemed unconcerned by my loud calling out, and the loud music blasting in my direction in return.
What came to mind and inspired my prayers as I continued to walk back and forth, came from two passages in the Bible: Matthew 10:29-31 ‘”What is the price of two sparrows – one copper coin? But not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it. And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows.”‘ and Luke 12:24 ‘”Look at the ravens. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for God feeds them. And you are far more valuable to him than any birds!”‘ Jesus is talking about birds, and how His Father sees and cares for each one, but how much more valuable, loved and cared for we are as His children. Even though He sees and cares for the baby pigeon, how much more seen, loved and valuable is each life in the womb!
As soon as I had picked up the baby bird, I had already determined I couldn’t leave it there to die when I left the sidewalk. There was no evidence that whole time of a parent pigeon, or where there may have been a nest it fell out of. Thinking through the logistics of trying to raise a baby bird, while also working, I realized that I wasn’t in a good position to do it well. I ended up bringing my small buddy to Wildwoods wildlife rehabilitation center here in Duluth, and felt relieved knowing it would receive the care it needed.
I am thankful for all the things God showed and taught me through my sidewalk encounter with a baby pigeon! Most of all, I am thankful and blessed that He loves me in just the way I need.
9/22/22
Spiders are disliked almost universally. They give many of us the creepy-crawlies… (me included). Behind the spider resting on it’s web in the picture above you can see the door to the abortion mill. There were 5 or 6 spiders on the black metal fence on the day I took this picture! Behind a web of deception (and those double doors) the abortionists practice their occupation of killing for a living, and the staff supports them. This should give us the creepy-crawlies! This should give at risk pregnant moms the creepy-crawlies. Abortion has been so sanitized by words like ‘healthcare’. Oh God, tear through the web and reveal the truth!
How should a person respond when another is hell-bent on killing their own child? The responses that come to mind for me are frowned upon in our society that has legalized and protects the murder of infants. So, how do we respond as we witness hell-bent determination to kill in these moms-who-don’t-want-to-be? We pray. Prayer is enough because HE is enough. We keep showing up, week after week after week, and keep trying to talk to these moms, because we have to give hope a chance. We cry out loudly over the booming, foul music, pleading for the life of the child being led to the slaughter. We watch, we wait, we peacefully resist. We must cling to Jesus, follow the leading of the Holy Spirit as well as we can, and walk and act and live in such a way that someday, when we stand before the Father, maybe He will say “Well done.” It will not be said that I was silent in the face of such evil.
February 2022
My car thermometer says it’s -17 as I pull out of my driveway. The first rays of the sun are just beginning to peek over the horizon as I head to Duluth. Fighting the knot forming in my stomach and the fear and pain threatening to build in my heart, I turn to the only One who can help me – the Lord most High. I do my best to align my heart with His during my 45 minute drive, praying and worshipping Him with my voice, singing my heart out of fear. He makes me brave.
I arrive at 32 E First St. The darkest and coldest place in Duluth. It’s warmed up a few degrees, but there’s a bitter wind whipping down the street, so although it may be -10 now it feels much colder as I stand on the sidewalk with the team of my pro life brothers and sisters. I have so much clothing on I feel like a marshmallow, or maybe a stuffed sausage… My heart sinks as I’m faced with the reality that today will be an abortion day. WE Health in the Building Against Women is open for their business of murdering the innocent, and the team of abortion escorts begins arriving. Internally I begin to fall into a pit of fear, while my physical body reminds me of the piercing cold. I flail inside for a moment, feeling dizzy and grasping for something, anything that will stop the bottom from dropping out of this day. By the grace of God, my grasping hands find something rock solid, and I cling to my Lord and Savior for dear life. As the spinning stops my head clears, I look up and my eyes lock with His. My heart returns to the place I just fought to get to on my drive; a place of trust in my Father and the ability to worship Him no matter my circumstances. He makes me brave.
One by one the escorts join us on the sidewalk waiting for the first abortion minded mom to arrive. Their speaker blasts music. Music that ironically objectifies and degrades women into sex objects in many of the songs played over the course of the morning. Most of these escorts are young women about my age. This is my generation! As I watch them dance to explicit and degrading music, I wonder if they truly think that’s what love is, or maybe they’re just cold like me, or maybe both, and my heart aches for them to know the true love of Jesus. These precious people are not the enemy, but they ARE desperately lost, and are being used by forces of evil. I’m humbled and deeply thankful as I’m again confronted with the truth: If not for the saving love of Jesus that could have been me. They are as passionate and committed as I am, just on the other side of the fence. Once again the overwhelming love of God for them fills my heart and replaces any anger or disgust that sometimes tries to rise up in my humanness. My cold lips form the words of a prayer that I lift up to my Father on behalf of these, just as many lifted up similar prayers on my behalf when I was living in a place equally as dark and empty. He makes me brave.
As pregnant women make their way to this place, I watch, wait, pray, and try to engage in conversation with each mother as she arrives. In almost every case conversation is impossible as with heads down, hoods up, and hiding behind the escorts the moms make a beeline for the place that’s going to give them a new anniversary to remember. An anniversary that will remind them every year for the rest of their lives of the day they paid someone to kill their very own child. I call out that we are here for them, that we will help them, to look at their ultrasound and listen to their baby’s heartbeat, and that it’s not too late to change their mind and choose life. As the door closes behind a mom hell bent on keeping her appointment with death, I turn from the black, metal fence and my eyes meet the eyes of another sidewalk counselor. The pain I feel is reflected in his eyes. We both FEEL the weight of the murder of infants that is happening in this place as we stand here. This is real. My physical body is getting colder and colder the longer I stand on the sidewalk, and my heart is aching more and more with each mom that enters this horrific place. Still, how could I ever be quiet, how could I ever be anywhere else? I HAVE to speak out, because though I only carry a tiny fraction of God’s heartbreak over this, a tiny fraction is more than I can handle on my own, and the pain effectively spurs me to action. I HAVE to speak out because these precious babies that He loves, and I love, cannot speak for themselves. I HAVE to be here because the ONLY thing worse than being here on an abortion day is NOT being here. I HAVE to be here, because this is where God has called me, and He makes me brave.
I am not naturally a brave person. My tendency used to be to want to fit in, to go along with the crowd. When faced with pain my tendency used to be to give up. Growing up, the fear of being rejected by the ‘cool girls’ made me try to act and dress like them, but I never fit in no matter how hard I tried. Growing up, a headache would escalate to me throwing up and laying on the couch ready to give up and die. Growing up I avoided the pain and discomfort of exercising my weak muscles, which led to a much worse pain and discomfort of an injured back with nothing but flabby muscles to support it. God is so good! He put me in a family with amazing parents who helped me identify and conquer some of my fearful tendencies. He gave me a Dad who helped me to learn determination, and who put me on the track to good physical health. Greatest of all, He gave me an encounter with Himself a month before my 20th birthday. An encounter with the life-changing, life-saving love of Jesus. His love inside me changed me from the inside out. He made me brave enough to overcome my fear and finally end a long term, unhealthy relationship. He was with me as I rebuilt my life from the ground up, as I learned who I am in Him, and as I learned that His love really is enough, as scary as that felt. Following Jesus means being set apart. Never again will I have even the semblance of fitting in or going with the flow. Following Jesus means I face my weaknesses and fears head on with His help. Never again will giving up and waiting to die be an option He has for me. Following Jesus means that pain is an invitation to intimacy as I pour out my heart to Him, and give Him what I can’t handle on my own. Never again will I be able to avoid the black and white issue of abortion (among other things). Though it’s all too much to handle, and the pain is too great, being a sidewalk counselor is something He has called me to do. And He equips who He calls. I still cry, I still want to shrink back from the pain and from standing out… but,
HE MAKES ME BRAVE.
3/26/21
The Joy of the Lord is My Strength
Yesterday on the sidewalk there was a lot happening, both in the natural, and in the spiritual. We had a team of 11 pro lifers, there were 11 escorts, and 10 moms came for abortions. There was also a lot happening inside of me. God was at work, teaching me, even though I couldn’t grasp what He was doing in me until today. I’m not sure I even understand what He’s doing in me yet, but I know I’m on the edge of a breakthrough!
Last week in the face of death I was dismayed to find that I just felt numb. I couldn’t grieve, I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t feel. I cried out to the Lord, begging Him to keep my heart soft. I never want to grow calloused to the pain and suffering of these children. The Lord answered my prayers, and this week my heart was tender again. So tender that it was almost overwhelming, and I could feel the tears pressing behind my eyes the whole day.
A whole series of comments, moments and thoughts throughout the day led to what I believe is the beginning of a breakthrough.
My brother came up to me early on in the morning and asked me how I was doing. I said “I’m alright.” He said “Just alright? C’mon Zoe. I’m hopeful. God is working. We can’t just stay on the defensive all the time, we need to be on the offensive!” He was certainly on fire, and battling through prayer all morning, and I could see the marked difference between him and me; his outlook and mine. I was convicted that my ‘mode of survival’ had become reactive rather than proactive, defensive rather than offensive. That’s not how battles are won! Battles are won through courage, bravery, pressing on against all odds, and believing in the trustworthy leadership of the commanding officer. Jesus is my commanding officer, and I certainly trust His leadership, and I want to press ahead against all odds to follow Him anywhere.
As I was thinking of this comment from my brother and the thoughts it inspired later in the day, I remembered a scene from the Lord of the Rings movie. During Galadriel’s prologue which is the opening scene of the first movie, the history of deception and evil is laid out with the climax of a huge army of evil led by a being so powerful it was doubtful it was even possible to defeat him. The line that hits me is: ‘But there were some who resisted.’ In the movie all who were righteous joined together to form an army, and they marched right to heart of the evil stronghold ready to fight and die for the slim chance of saving their world from being completely overcome by evil. That’s what resisting looks like. Resisting is a fight. Resisting is offensive.
Yesterday as the abortions were happening, mostly I was just surviving. I was reaching out to every mom, trying to talk with her, pleading for the lives of the babies, and feeling more and more heartbroken and undone. Of course the reality is that it IS heartbreaking and it IS hard. I’m not arguing that point. What I am saying is I think God has a better way for me to strive for. I want to be one who resists.
After we left the sidewalk I was riding in the car with someone I care deeply about, to run some errands. He had the Christian radio on, and I turned it up, saying to him “I need some new songs in my head.” He understood because he was on the sidewalk too. After being there all morning we need to refocus on God and His great goodness and unfailing love, and praise Him with songs that have true words. As we drove the song ‘Amen’ by Micah Tyler came on. I know all the words, so I was quietly singing along, but paused suddenly as I remembered the words of the coming chorus…
“How could I hide this joy inside of me? Amazing grace, oh Lord, how can it be? Every day of my life I want the world to see. I can’t get over what You’ve done for me…”
I felt the opposite of joyful. I felt exhausted and defeated. Joy is bubbly and happy right? Joy is easy, right?! No. I already know this, the Lord has already taught me that joy is a choice. I don’t know why I forget what He’s already shown me! He is so compassionate and patient with me to keep showing me the same things over and over again when I get off track or forget. Instantly I was reminded of a quote by Katie Davis Majors from her book ‘Kisses from Katie’:
‘The difference between shallow happiness and a deep, sustaining joy is sorrow. Happiness lives where sorrow is not. When sorrow arrives, happiness dies. It can’t stand pain. Joy, on the other hand, rises from sorrow and therefore can withstand all grief. Joy, by the grace of God, is the transfiguration of suffering into endurance, and of endurance into character, and of character into hope – and the hope that has become our joy does not (as happiness must for those who depend on it) disappoint us.’
I certainly know sorrow and grief. Happiness does not hang out on the sidewalk with me. The joy of the Lord is there for me though if I will only choose it, and take hold with determination in spite of how I feel. Nehemiah 8:10b came to mind later that afternoon as I walked alone through the woods, collecting sap from our maple trees, as we are in the middle of maple syrup making season.
‘”… This is a sacred day before our Lord. Don’t be dejected and sad, for the joy of the Lord is your strength!”’
As I walked through the woods in the spring afternoon sunshine, the Lord blessed me with the song ‘Joy Of The Lord’ by Rend Collective playing strongly in my head. The chorus goes: ‘The joy of the Lord is my strength, the joy of the Lord is my strength, in the darkness I’ll dance, in the shadows I’ll sing, the joy of the Lord is my strength’
By the end of my walk, I was singing aloud, and taking hold of the joy of the Lord, despite the pain my heart had known that day. Sometimes to praise God is a sacrifice for my human heart, but He is ALWAYS worthy of it. Praising Him lifts me out of the low places I so often find myself in, and reminds me of the truth. The truth I need to learn at this point in my life and my sidewalk counseling journey is that the JOY of the Lord is my STRENGTH.
1/5/21
Sanctity of Human Life
A heartbeat in the warm darkness. The tiniest flutter of movement. The baby is surrounded with safety and security inside the woman who is the source of nourishment and everything needed to grow and thrive. This is how life began for each one of us! Completely enveloped by and dependent on another. Even as every baby is dependent on its mother, the whole story, every mother, father and baby since the beginning of time has been dependent on God. He is the source of life, the ultimate provider of everything each of us needs to grow and thrive. God is the very definition of holiness, and we know that He created us in His image! ‘So God created human beings in His own image. In the image of God He created them; male and female He created them.’ Genesis 2:27 NLT We are made in the image of God, and because of that He says that our lives are holy and sacred.
Every moment of our lives, whether we acknowledge it or not, we are completely enveloped by and dependent on God. Does that diminish the value or reality even, of our lives? Of course not! It only makes life richer and more beautiful as we realize how much the One who made us loves and cares for us. Neither does the preborn’s dependency on their mothers diminish their value or the reality of their lives. From the moment of conception, to the day each finger and toe was fully developed, to the endless questions a little child has as they try to understand the world, to the 18th birthday with all its possibility, decisions and responsibility, to all life holds for each individual, and finally to the end of life, we see God right there with us, leading and guiding us through it all.
Every life, and every second of each life is precious. Abortion is an evil that tries to deny the sanctity of human life. It brings death into the place of life, the womb, the safest physical place on the earth. We who know the truth of the sanctity of life must not be quiet or stand down as this evil continues to be perpetuated. We must speak out, however and whenever the Lord leads, the truth of the value of every life, born and unborn.
10/19/20
An Invitation to Intimacy
Showing up to the sidewalk every week, standing there no matter the weather, and pleading for life as a sidewalk counselor – this is the physical embodiment and description of the hardest thing I’ve ever done so far in my life. This ministry, this call God has placed on my life, impacts me in a deep way. There is so much pain! Every week I mourn the many children who died inside a building while I was standing right outside. I mourn for the parents, who whether they know it or not, are doing great harm to themselves as well as to their helpless child. I mourn for the staff who help with the actual killing, and for the escorts who lead these women and babies to death. I mourn that my best efforts aren’t enough to spare these precious little ones from death. There is so much pain.
Shortly after I started sidewalk counseling I prayed that God would give me some of His heart on this issue. I asked for some, because more would be too much, too overwhelming. He knows that. He answered me. He has given me some of His heart in this. I told Him I want to be moved by what moves His heart, I want to cry over what He cries over, and love who He loves with a love that is an overflow of Him from inside of me. He has certainly answered my prayer! What I have learned though, is that the little bit of His heart for this that He has given me is still too much, too painful. There are times when the pain is overwhelming and fills me with such an agony, which I can’t escape because it’s inside my own heart!
Every week, the Lord calls me. Every week I answer His call. I willingly step into more pain than I can handle. Every week I leave the sidewalk, broken. Every week I cry out to my Savior, telling Him that I cannot carry this. That I need Him to take the intensity of pain from me. Every week He goes above and beyond my expectations in answering me. Every week it’s almost as if the memory of the pain is removed from my mind, so I am brave enough to stand and fight again and again.
Maybe this is part of the point. What He is calling me to is something I cannot do on my own, so I must cast myself on Him over and over again for strength, comfort, endurance, forgiveness, reassurance. But what better place to be? Would I so constantly throw myself upon His mercy if I wasn’t suffering this much? Probably not. But necessity drives me. And by now I’ve had way more than enough time to form a habit! I’ve never been this intimate with the Lord, and it only continues to deepen because I keep running to Him. I keep running to Him because I must. He is my heartbeat, He is the only way I can survive, He is my joy, He makes me to thrive in the most challenging of things He’s called me to so far. I know He has so much more for me! I can only imagine the places He plans to take me, but I KNOW that no matter what He plans for me, my secret place is Him, He sustains me, and He will always be my sustenance. In His goodness He is teaching me a practice that will only bless me forever, and it comes from a desperation, a pain that can be healed nowhere else. Oh Jesus. How I love You.
I am learning that this pain is an invitation to intimacy with the Lover of my soul. He has called me to this work, and He knows that what He has called me to causes me more pain than I can handle. But with Jesus I’ve experienced such a sweetness in my desperation for hope and comfort. The most precious moments are when I cry out to Him, sobbing in all my human mess, overcome with the weight of it all. In those moments I feel closer to Him than at any other time. I am fully seen, fully known, fully loved, and fully comforted by Jesus my Savior, who is both fully God and fully human. This is how pain has become an invitation to intimacy and a blessing in my life. Without the depth of the pain I could not know the depth of joy that I find in my love for Him and His love for me.
9/23/20
Reinforcements on the front lines
This morning kicked off 40 Days for Life 2020! In response, WE Health Clinic in the Building for Women had a new sign up on their gate. The differences between the two messages couldn’t be more extreme; one is all about self, and what a person feeling becoming their reality, and one points to God and His goodness and faithfulness through the witness of the prayers of His people. One represents that still small voice reminding us to think about someone other than ourselves. That little someone inside the womb. The other says that safe and legal abortion is a right. No longer is the phrase ‘safe, legal and rare’, oh no, now the true colors show.
I was on the sidewalk for 4 hours this morning, praying and actively seeking the Lord in one of the darkest places in Duluth. Right away this morning, two scriptures came to mind. They are both so well known, common almost, but they became personal to me again in a new way today as I stood on the bricks outside that place of death.
The Lord is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For you are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
Psalm 23 NKJV
This is the first scripture I ever memorized, but it takes on new meaning as I walk in the shadow of death, at this location of great evil. But He is with us! He is with me. He restores my soul, and He is so much more than enough. My cup runs over.
“At times I might shut up the heavens so that no rain falls, or command grasshoppers to devour your crops, or send plagues among you. Then if My people who are called by My name will humble themselves and pray and seek My face and turn from their wicked ways, I will hear from heaven and forgive their sins and restore their land. My eyes will be open and My ears attentive to every prayer made in this place.”
2 Chronicles 7:13-15 NLT
I am His, called by His name. I must humble myself, and turn from my wicked ways, and pray. Then will He hear from heaven and forgive our sins and heal our land. This is what He says we must do. How badly our land needs healing! Today I was so very blessed to have reinforcements join us on the frontlines in the fight for life. These people who’s hearts are stirred as mine is, who are humbling themselves, seeking His face and PRAYING.
Oh Lord, hear us! See us. We know we are partnering with Your will in this. Show us how to be the most effective we can be, all for Your glory, and to draw people to Yourself.
